Ever since I cut a slit into the bottom of the pillow, you know, right around where the vagina would be (if a pillow could have a vagina, that is) when I was 18, I have been getting some practically every night. Always Getting Some (of Something)I have sex all the time, of course, with my body pillow and girlfriend of around 15 years, Suki. It is so very unfortunate, too, because a lap dance is probably the closest thing that I will ever get to actually having sex with a living, breathing human woman.

Save for the beautiful naked women dancing on the stage, a strip club actually sounds like it would be my own personal realm of hell. The loud music, the throngs of people sticking dollar bills into thongs and G strings, the drunkenness. Could you imagine, then, if I ever attempted to go to a strip club? Oh, sweet baby Jesus, no thank you. No matter the weather, everything feels cold and I feel like I could die.And that’s just what going to the grocery store can do to me. My heart starts pounding like a porn star. I don’t know where it comes from, but whenever I am in a large, loud, or heavily populated public place, my body seizes up and it feels like all of the air in the room has been sucked up.

Actually, not even “in case,” more for when a panic attack inevitably strikes. Like, I have to bring a brown paper bag with me any time I leave the house bad, in case of a panic attack. When I say that it’s bad, believe me, it is bad. Freaking shrinks, am I right?No, the real and only reason that I have never been to a strip club is my intense social anxiety.

Sounds like somebody is projecting her own issues onto me. Ah, but what does she know? The middle-aged woman in a sexless marriage wants to tell me that my sex drive is too high? Yeah, right. My libido is probably higher than anyone’s you have ever met! In fact, my sex drive is so high that my therapist is constantly telling me that it may be born of some psychological dissonance. And definitely not because I don’t have a high sex drive. Not because I have some BS feminist stance when it comes to that line of work or anything. Not because I don’t love the idea of them. I Stripper aka VirtuaGirl (2)! Believe it or not, I have never been to a strip club.

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